I didn't think I'd make it

Hey Friend,

I didn’t think I’d go to college.

When I was 15, the only thing I could conceive of studying was music, which didn’t make financial sense. I also had a simplistic view that college equaled corporate slavery, so I was largely content with a future of staying in Hawaii, working a job that paid the bills, and keeping well within my comfort zone.

It was by absolute chance that YouTube videos of rockets going up to (and coming back from) space captivated my imagination, leading me to apply for aerospace engineering programs on the mainland, despite people in my life pushing me to both stay in Hawaii and move to Australia.

Then, I got rejected from all of the schools I applied to, except one, which I couldn’t attend due to a lack of financial aid.

I took a gap year, applied again, this time including Babson on the list, which I only thought to do from a friend’s recommendation. I was accepted early, but I didn’t accept the offer until the last day.

I still wasn’t sure I wanted to go.

I started that fall and within a month started considering dropping out. I didn’t think I’d stay for the year. I did. Then I didn’t think I’d go back after the summer. I did. Then COVID happened and I took another year off. I was pretty sure I’d return, but who knew?

I finally finished my college education from Kyoto, Japan in May 2023, 6 years after graduating high school.

My college journey was precarious enough, but that doesn’t even take into account everything that happened before I was 15, which I was even less in control of. The further back I go, the clearer it is to me that I am very, very, very lucky to have made it to where I am today.

Someone at Babson could have been on the edge about whether to accept me, but then had a delicious lunch or got some good news from their wife, came back in a better mood and decided “what the heck.”

It’s terrifying to consider this.

The image that comes to mind is walking on a tightrope. There are so many points at which I could have fallen off, and of all the paths that could have unfolded, I think that this one was highly improbable. But I’m beyond grateful that it did.

Maybe dropping out would have been the right move. Maybe moving to Australia to live off the grid with my dad would have been an immensely fulfilling experience. I have some opinions, but the truth is I can’t know for sure where those paths would have led.

What I do know is that I like where I am now, and I’m grateful that things worked out as they did. And at the end of the day, what other choice do I have? The alternative to gratitude and acceptance is anger and victimization, and I’ve witnessed firsthand where that leads you.

Ultimately, this letter is about acknowledging and embracing the randomness of life. It can be easy to tell ourselves a story that we are in control, but as soon as something dramatically unexpected and significant happens (for example, the death of a loved one), it becomes painfully clear that this is not the case.

As mathematician-philosopher Nassim Nicholas Taleb put it:

I’m grateful that the randomness of life led me to where I am, but that means I’m also more aware that it can be taken at any moment. I’m not in control.

I’m quite unsettled by this fact, but the bright side is that it can also lead us to deeper presence and gratitude for what we do have. With a humble acknowledgment of our relative powerlessness, we can more fully appreciate the gifts that we’ve been given, and, hopefully, more freely let go of that which leaves us.

Easier said than done!

Until next week.

Take care,
Ryan