How to be Happy Alone

Finding peace in difficult times

Author

Ryan Combes
March 26, 2023

Hey friend,

This week has been a doozy. Incredible in some ways, and rough in others, mostly due to loneliness.

I have been in Japan now for two months, which is becoming the longest I have ever been abroad for. The last time was in 2021 when I went to Costa Rica and Mexico for two months.

That trip was great in a lot of ways, but also sucked in one big one: Loneliness.

I canceled my plans to stay in Mexico longer because I just wanted to get back to Hawai`i and see my friends.

And now, those same feelings are coming up. I'm living thousands of miles from any real friends and have most of my real conversations via phone.

But this time, I am nowhere close to returning to familiarity. I've got at least 3 more months until I am back in the States, and a whole lot of traveling to do in the meantime.

This is the part of any travel-heavy lifestyle people fail to mention in the Instagram reels and TikToks, but it is something everyone deals with, traveling or not.

And while the feeling has now returned, it's different this time around.

Underneath it, I feel at peace.

Let's talk about that.

Finding Peace Within Loneliness

What I've learned about managing loneliness can be broken down into one word: Impermanance.

Impermanence is an essential doctrine in Buddhism. It refers to the fact that everything changes and therefore nothing lasts forever.

This is an easy concept to grasp intellectually. But to fully know it is something entirely different.

One of the few moments in my life that stand out as some kind of "awakening" moment was on this point.

I was in the midst of an 8-hour meditation retreat, listening to a teaching while walking through my neighborhood.

It kills me that I cannot remember the exact phrase, but it was to the effect of this:

"All conditioned things have the nature of vanishing."

The Buddha

In that moment, a light bulb went off, and I deeply grasped the significance of this.

When you truly sit to consider it, it should be immensely freeing. Anything that you are experiencing right now, no matter how horrific, will at some point dissipate.

Not only this, but your understanding this increases the chances that that is sooner rather than later.

This is true regarding loneliness. To notice the feeling of loneliness is one thing. But this is not where suffering arises.

Suffering arises from our thinking about how much we don't like that feeling. From resisting it. From wishing it weren't there and were instead surrounded by friends that would make us happy.

This only serves to intensify and prolong the feeling.

What you resist, persists.

Instead, by fully accepting this feeling and not fighting it, the half-life of the emotion (to use a Sam Harris term) is dramatically shortened.

Soon, the feeling goes from an all-consuming cloud in your mind to only a memory. Just like how remember my days in Mexico.

Having this kind of future hindsight in the present is nothing short of a superpower.

Realize that your suffering in this moment will soon be but a memory, and it immediately loses the vice grip it may have.

A Practical Takeaway

Ok, maybe I've convinced you that this mindset is useful, but how do you actually implement it?

Here's a practice that may help:

Take out a journal or note-taking app. Write everything about this moment. Describe what's going on and how you feel. Be honest with the challenging emotions you're experiencing. Don't hold back.

Then, from the perspective of yourself, one year in the future, write a comeback story. Describe how you found ways to cope, make new friends, get over the breakup, whatever it is.

Visualize and write down whatever would solve your problems as if they already happened.

Script a winning future, and execute it.

Acceptance followed by action.

This tries to ensure that you aren't just avoiding the emotion through action, while also giving direction to a better future.

Just because you can find peace within an unpleasant emotion, doesn't necessarily mean you should more than you have to! :)

Anywho, those are my two cents. If you give this idea a shot, let me know! I'd be curious to hear how it works for you.

Until next time.

Much love,
Ryan

P.S. New content this week

Short videos:

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