My Unique Hell | Letter to a Friend #16

Hey friend,

I'm freaking hungry. I haven't eaten for 2 days. Well, that's kinda a lie. I had a smoothie with coconut milk, mac nuts, and ice (for consistency of course), but that's about it. In other words, I'm ballin'.
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Why do I do this to myself, you ask? Great question. I could make some argument about how, "it's good to do hard things cause they make you strong and then you can handle shit better", and while that's true, it's not what I'm feeling right now.
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I think I'm afraid of boredom. I did a journaling exercise yesterday that prompted me to write down my "unique hell". Basically what would the worst existence in the world look like for me. Probably 80% of the stuff I wrote down had to do with being bored, trapped, or otherwise unexcited about life.
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I think one of my deepest fears is living a life that bores me. To wake up in the morning and actually despise the day that lies ahead. To "resign to live out my shitty existence, miserable and sick", as I so poetically put it.
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When I paint this dreary picture of a potential future, I have a deep knowing (?) in my gut that I would never allow such an existence to come about, but there's still a fear in the back of my mind. "What if?" What if I got in a bad accident and was left crippled? What if I get addicted to drugs? What if something just snaps in me and I lose all motivation and care? They go on and on.
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I know that my current self would never allow it to happen, but what if I change?
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I don't know to what extent other people have these fears. I'm sure I'm not alone, but I also wouldn't be surprised if my past makes me tend to imagine the ways in which things can go wrong, things I must protect myself from.
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Financial success is getting good at protecting yourself from the future. But why does the future need to be something I must protect myself from? ​
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Lots of engaging questions and, once again, few answers. I'm curious to hear to what extent you think about these things. Reply to this email (pls) and lemme know.
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Until next time...

Much love,
Ryan

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