Overcoming arrogance

Hey Friend,

Sorry I'm a bit late. This past weekend I flew to Vancouver, Canada for a retreat in the woods with 55 other men. 72 hours of non-stop activities, socializing, workouts, and lake plunges. To say it was a long weekend would be an understatement.

There was a particular exercise where I (willingly) received quite a bit of, ahem, feedback from the rest of the group: their perception of me after knowing me for a few days and seeing how I showed up.

There was one word that stood out as a theme among the many critiques (and compliments) I received: arrogance.

I have a long history with this word. It stung more than any of the other comments because I have tried so hard to "fix" it. I may be more afraid of coming across as arrogant than any other trait.

So I decided to do more than reflect on why this might be - I asked one of the men who said it what to do about it. He had one word of advice for me: give.

That one word changed the rest of the retreat for me. 

Giving feedback

After hearing this and his accompanying explanation, I stopped asking myself, “what can I get out of this?” and started asking, "what can I give to this man right now?"

Sometimes that meant feedback (when requested). Other times, it simply meant a deep presence, empathy, and genuine questions. Eventually, it even meant sharing a (again, requested) lesson I had learned about fear and money, which left the other man with tears in his eyes and telling me that it was "exactly what he needed to hear."

For the first time in my life, I truly knew what it felt like to have an attitude of generosity. I had a visceral understanding, rather than just an intellectual one.

I can't overstate how transformative, and freeing, this felt. I was no longer concerned with what I was getting. It was no longer about me.

The insight that "giving counteracts arrogance" surprised me, because I had always thought that giving was arrogant. When I examined this belief, I realized I had been associating "giving" with "giving advice," which led me to assume that silence was better than speaking when it came to giving feedback.

However, something I didn't account for was that the more silent you are, the more other people can project and assume that you just think you're better than everyone.

Also, there's a massive difference between giving feedback and giving advice. Feedback is my experience of you, advice is what I think you should do.

I learned to see my feedback as a gift, knowing that even if it hurt, it would ultimately help (as long as it came from a good place).

Self-worth

There's another reason this realization felt so massive: it helped me believe that I truly DID have something valuable to give to others.

Something I struggled with throughout the retreat was feeling like I didn't match up. I was the youngest one there by far, and I saw so many men who seemed further along "the journey" than myself - so much more "manly" and grounded.

Who was I to share?

This man's comment to me, that giving counteracts arrogance, broke me out of this self-absorbed narrative and gave me the confidence to share honestly with other men. I believed I had something valuable to say, so I said it.

Writing those words for me is strange, because I've prided myself (arrogance anyone?) on speaking up a lot in other environments, like classes and meetings. Enter a room of 50+ men an average of 20 years older than me, though, and apparently my self-belief dries up like a lake in the desert.

I could do some psycho-analyzing on why I might be extra susceptible to this, but that's beside the point.

Conclusion

The point is, giving feedback is not arrogant! Part of our responsibility to our close friends in particular is to give them our honest feedback on their ideas/actions/etc. (again: feedback is different from advice).

It is much easier to not say anything and then talk behind their backs to other people. It is much harder to speak our minds honestly (and with compassion). Failure to do so, however, leads us to miss out on giving those friends a gift they may eventually thank us for.

Despite the pain of (again, willingly) receiving dozens of critical comments from the other men, I thanked every one of them afterwards. They gave me the gift of honest feedback on how I show up in the world.

Of course, not all of it will be true, but it is a gift nonetheless, and I’m now even more intent on being honest with friends and family instead of biting my tongue (and judging them afterwards).

Here’s a final reflection for you on that note: is there someone in your life who you have been withholding your honest thoughts/feelings from?

Obviously, there’s nuance here. Don’t go out being an ass to everyone and thinking that your thoughts are gold and everyone should hear them.

However, my guess is that most of us err on the side of withholding feedback, and while it’s easy to imagine that’s the mature thing to do, it may be doing more harm than good.

Until next week.

Take care,
Ryan