My fear of happiness

What preparation stripped from me

(Quick note: I wrote a letter last week but it had deliverability issues, so not everybody received it. Click here if you didn’t.) 

Hey Friend,

I love my life right now. What’s surprising is how hard it is for me to say that.

I’ve just finished this book by Derek Sivers, “Useful not true”, and he encourages the reader to reflect on what they want to then determine the most useful belief to get there.

I’m having trouble with it, because I can’t define what I want beyond what I currently have.

This confuses me.

For 7+ years, I’ve been chasing a “better life,” whether it’s through traveling, relationships, money, freedom, or any other achievement. But now, nothing immediately pops to mind when I ask myself the question, “What do I want?”

Sure, there are little things I could name which will likely always be present (e.g. more money), but nothing screams out as “necessary”, especially in terms of external achievements I could measure and capture.

Instead, the things that come to mind are internal: more peace, ease, joy, connection, wisdom, understanding, etc.

Part of me is thrilled with this. “Amazing, I’ve learned what actually fulfills me and achieved them!”

The other part is terrified, “Oh no, I’ve become complacent and now for the rest of my life I’ll settle for ‘good enough’!”

Which is true? Well, in the spirit of what the book I just finished teaches: neither. Instead, I’ll ask, “which is more useful?” in which case the former seems to win by a large margin.

Fear of happiness

This experience has taught me a valuable lesson about myself: I’m afraid of happiness. It’s such a bizarre, perplexing realization to come to, but it makes sense in a strange way.

My entire childhood, I was taught to prepare for the ultimate struggle (survival in a post-apocalyptic world). I think that I fear that if I allow myself to relax, then I will be caught off-guard when life inevitably slaps me in the face with “the apocalypse”, in whatever form that takes.

Better, then, to never fully relax and be happy, and instead keep preparing for that moment.

This belief obviously sucks, and I’m realizing that this may be one of my beliefs that most deserve reframing.

How? Perhaps by believing that relaxation and enjoyment actually improve my ability respond to future challenges by restoring me. Or, by believing that the world is not filled with dangerous, untrustworthy, and evil human beings, but that people are generally good and want to help. Or, another belief entirely.

Whichever it is, I know that the best version of myself is not an anxious, fearful man, but one who is fully capable of both preparing for the future and deeply savoring the joys of life.

And I take full responsibility for forming whichever beliefs will help me get there.

Have you had any challenges with allowing yourself to be happy? Shoot me a reply - I’d love to hear about it.

Until next time,
Ryan